The bell ringers are back.  They clang those bells at every supermarket, mall, and shopping center in town.  Eventhough you may have just given money at the last place you went here is another one pleading with you for spare change at Hobby Lobby.  God help you if you just walk by, they give you their best pity smile and a “God Bless”.

Who are these people?  Does anyone know?  I have never known anyone who was a bell ringer at Christmas.  I know Phoebe was on one episode of friends, but she went a little crazy and had to be stopped.  I can’t speak for all the bell ringers everywhere, but the bell ringers in my town look like rejects from tryouts for inmates of One Flew Over The Cuckoo’s Nest.  Re..jects!!  At the grocery store we have the guy that wears his hair slicked straight back then it flips greasily at the ends.  He has one wandering eye and a serious under bite.  He always wears black coveralls, but on warm days he unzips them down to his waist.  You won’t see him without a cigarette hanging out of his mouth, but every hour on the hour he takes a smoke break.  I think he takes a break from smoking, goes around back and breathes clean air.  In front of the craft store is Sally.  I don’t really know what her name is.  I just remember some old television show with a character named Dirty Sally.  I think this may be her.  Sally wears a ski cap regardless of the weather.  She also sports a red flannel shit and pink polyester pants.  Her tennis shoes wore out a long time ago and her socks  went with them.  She rings a viscious bell though.  She rings it in time with the Christmas carols she sings…loudly…off-key.  She usually sings with her eyes closed, she’s so in to her music, but she nods a silent thanks with each clink of change.  The mall’s ringer changes every few hours.  My favorite is the cusser at the north entrance.  I’m 100% certain the salvation army does not know about the cusser.  I think they would take away his bell.  I give the cusser change when I have it, just to get close enough to hear him.  He’s  about five feet tall and well dressed.  He has a little bit of white scruff that shows brightly against his dark skin.  His legs bow out a lttle and his hands seem a little arthritic, and my guess is that he is of a somewhat diminished capacity.  If you walk by his kettle without putting any money in your soul is threatened with eternal damnation.  You might be called a low life son-of-a-bitch, or (this is one of his favorites) a shitty turd head.  If you have the presence of mind to put money in the kettle then you might be rewarded with one of the following:  thank you @#*damnit, God Bless you and your bastard children, or it’s about time someone put some effin money in the effin pot!  Thank you!

I do all my Christmas shopping online mostly because I don’t like inconsiderate people.  I was forced out with  public the other day.  I was looking for a Christmas gift bag.  It wasn’t even Thanksgiving and the chances of being annoyed seemed slim…right?  Wrong!!  I was in  the gift bag aisle and the bags were half-off which I didn’t know walking in.  Never go on a sale day.  It’s in the rules.  I had picked up several large bags and was working my way down to the smaller bag area.  This is when I met stay put Grandma.  

There were 3 carts in the bag aisle, Grandma and I traveling south and her someone traveling north, but parallel to her.  As I moved up Grandma’s companion moved further north to allow me to pass, but the size of bags I needed were blocked by Grandma.  I said excuse me.  Nothing.  Pardon me.  Nothing.  I tried reaching around her.  She didn’t move.  I started to pass her and another person was trying to enter the aisle. “oh my, looks like we’ve got a little log jam”, said Grandma, but she never moved.  Now my patience with this old woman has about reached it’s breaking point.  I’m maybe two seconds away from showing her a real quick way to make a cart full of granny move.  “Oh, you’re looking for a penguin bag for Jimmy?  Here’s a shark.  It’s best he get used to disappointment.  Now I’m going to plant your bony granny butt on top of my very pointy toed boot and we’re going to see how far I can drop kick you, you non-mobile lump of human flesh!!!!!!!!!”  I hate when people block aisles.  I hate long lines.  I hate cold weather, screaming children, grabby-assed shoppers, bell ringers, carols,  forced mediocrity, Bush’s presidency, and granny’s who refuse to get the hell out of my way!! Of course I didn’t say these things to her.  I told her she should go to the mall, and be sure to enter through the north entrance.  There’s a bell ringer there that I thought she would really like.