I know I am getting better because I am really beginning to nitpick.  Not that I don’t nitpick already, I do.  I am really not the easiest person with which to live.  I’m not deranged.  I recognize that had other symptoms  not occurred with the mood swings no one would have recognized the beginnings of menopause.  Multiple personalities have always been a part of me.  I like them. They are my friends, but lately we are all getting pissed.  

My husband is the most easy going, lovable guy, anyone has ever met.  Everyone who meets him loves him.  He drives me nuts!! I love him, don’t get me wrong.  He just drives me nuts!  He is one of those people who can’t be wrong.  Just can’t…if you tell him he’s wrong he laughs at you…do you know what that does to someone who has a difficult time with their anger?  He’s lucky to be alive.  He is the only person in existence who can laugh at me when I’m angry and (maybe) I’ll laugh too.  But he has this laugh, when he’s not really laughing, that is kind of patronizing and it just makes me want to find an instrument of torture and make the laughing stop!!  Of course, I would regret it later…of course.

I have never handled anyone patronizing me well.  I don’t like being called the “little woman” or anything else that implies that I am not 100% equal to my spouse.  I am especially intolerant when this comes from the man himself.  Everything about me has been hard fought and even harder won.  I am extremely proud of the fact that I did it on my own. So nothing washes over me quite so much as someone treating as if I am not as intelligent as they are.  Now of course my husband is smart enough never to actually say that he is more intelligent than I am but he has this laugh…and that laugh makes the voices start.

After 10 days in bed, of having to give him the upper hand, the ideas are just flying through my head.  I hate being held down. I hate having to behave. (You just can’t imagine how much!!) I constantly beg for companionship, and then when I get it I start fights.  I think it’s stimulating.  Others think I’m being difficult.  Today’s argument was over Trivial Pursuit.  Did I mention that my husband is extremely intelligent?  Well he is.  He can spout trivia until the cows come home, and in the categories he is deficient I can usually take over.  We are rarely if ever allowed  to play on teams together.  So tonight we were playing against the computer, which means he had control of the computer, he was answering the questions so quickly I didn’t have a chance, and I was sitting beside him semi-reading a magazine. I heard G@#$D@#$%!!!  I looked up.  “I missed that one.”  When I asked him what the question was he told me.  I responded with the correct answer, and I got the LAUGH!!  I felt my chest go red first, then my neck, then my face, ears, and so on.  I told him to just admit he was wrong, and that is when the argument started.  “Well, I wouldn’t have been wrong if my partner would help…blah, blah, blah”…now you know I hate to argue, but this was the most action this bed has seen in awhile so I egged it on.  A lot.  It wasn’t as intense as the chili dog battle of ‘06 but it was fun. It didn’t last long enough.  It ended with him kissing me on the head and going out to bring home dinner. (Don’t you just hate that!) So now, here I am trying to vent on the computer.  I don’t expect to get a lot of sympathy.  Most women think I don’t deserve my husband, that pisses me off too.

People often ask me what I did to deserve a man like my husband (like I’m some terrible, ugly wretch that is lucky to be married at all…I ask myself what he did to deserve me) and I smile and tell them that yes I really got lucky.  And, I believe that with all my heart, nine out of ten times.  That tenth time though….that’s when the smile shows up, and the voices start, and I pretend it’s menopause that makes me want to argue when really all it is is the fact that I am a closet bitch without a closet, and I’m probably gonna be one til I’m  dead too.  It’s his fault for marrying me If he thought I would change, he was wrong! 

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