Our hometown is awash with exterior Christmas illumination.  There are neighborhoods that you can see for great distances, and for awhile the local newspaper even had a competition to see which neighborhood could come up with the best display.  I suppose there was an award, but our neighborhood never won.  When we first moved here, the homeowner’s association agreed that we all would line our property wity luminarias.  They were beautiful.  People would drive in after dark and circle our cul-de-sac looking at the brightly lit little bags.  From our upstairs window it was just a wonderland looking down on the street after dark.  Then the widowed biddies moved in.  Suddenly it was too much trouble, or it hurt their backs, or the wind blew the bags off the forms and they had to go chasing all over hell and back to find them…and one by one the lights went out until we are the only ones left who still put the little lamps out at Christmas.

We love the holiday and adorn our house both inside and out.  We have Christmas trees in each room of the downstairs.  We put out Christmas figures, and the Christmas china.  We even have melamine Christmas dishes we use daily…so I speak as someone who knows when I say “Please don’t mess around with your Christmas lights!”  I don’t care what you do with your yard decorations.  I would prefer that there be some kind of theme, or at the very least some size consistency, but I’ll survive.  Little kids probably think a 4 foot tall Santa can drive a little red wagon pulled by 6 pink flamingos and one ceramic bulldog with a red nose across the world in one night.  God bless ‘em, that optimism is why hundreds of stale cookies and warm glasses of milk will get pitched in the middle of the night (be sure to wash the crumbs down the drain). However; even the smallest Who in Whoville knows that icicles don’t come in multi-colors!  And for the absolute love of God, don’t put those suckers on twinkle!  Even worse are the losers who run multiple strands and some twinkle and some don’t.  I HATE YOU!!  I don’t know who the idiot was who came up with the blue icicle lights, but dude BLUE ICE IS DEADLY!!  Remember Titanic?  Have you ever watched Ice Road Truckers?  Ask Bear how cute and festive blue ice is…he’ll kill you.  And Ice doesn’t have to twinkle, people.  Twinkling is a reflection of colors on a smooth surface.  It can “appear” to happen on steady white lights when the wind blows.  Duh!!

I happen to be a purist when it comes to Christmas lights.  Colored lights can twinkle when they are not made to look like icicles.  White lights…ditto.  The same holds true for blue lights, but for my money really it should be either multi or white.  When you start singling out colors after that, and you live in Northwest Arkansas you really run the risk of someone thinking you’re flashing gang colors.  Especially in a neighborhood full of over sixties.  Finally let me just say in passing, if you find yourself in a quandary about whether or not to buy the “twinkling” snowflakes….don’t!  Our neighbors bought two that barely fit in a 6′ x 6′ window and the twinkle is more of a nervous twitch.  Every time I see them I speak for them, “Oh my God.  Is it getting warmer?  How close to the equator did you say we are?  Was that UPS guy wearing shorts?  I need to be refrigerated if it gets above 32.”  My husband, who thought it was cute at first, is beginning to look at me kinda like he knows where to hide a body.

So there you have it my dear ones.  Christmas recomendations that will help you and your loved ones make it through the holidays with maximum enjoyment and minimal pain.  Remember, I know where most of you live!

One addendum- My Dad had so many things he said over the years that we (his daughters) just took for granted because he was always saying that stuff.  Well, my husband loves the quirky things “Pa” said and has asked me to give you a “Pa-ism” a day for as long as I can.  So in honor of my father, and my husband here is Pa-ism number 1.

“Don’t strain your milk” - Don’t work too hard  (Used in a sentence) I would have added a shed to the house, but I was afraid I’d strain my milk.

No Comments »

No comments yet.

RSS feed for comments on this post. TrackBack URL

Leave a comment

You must be logged in to post a comment.