I know I’m not the first to notice that feminine products are advertised on “girl” shows, and masculine products are touted on “guy” shows.  That’s not news.  It’s when the programming crosses over that things get awkward.  I don’t really enjoy sharing the details of “that not so fresh feeling” with my husband, but try explaining yeast to your adolescent son.  Then bake some bread with him…see where I’m going?  Men are just not equipped to handle the inner workings of the female person.

I think most of us don’t realize how sadly lacking our sons may be in instruction in female anatomy until they are involved in adult relationships.  They all know where the boobies are and what size they like, and they can come up with some rudimentary term for a vagina. Now speaking only from my experience with my sons that was about it.  If asked they could tell you a woman is “on the rag”  once a month and there was some extra trash in the bathroom at least that often.  In addition it seemed like their step-father played a lot more golf during that time. But they couldn’t have given any kind of informed conversation and commercials weren’t going to change that.  To be fair, my daughter wasn’t much wiser.  After having used pads throughout the winter months she was going to be “big” and use tampons so that she wouldn’t have to give up swimming while she was on her period.  Several disasters later I’m talking through the door, “spread your legs…”( you know). When my level of frustration became as high as hers I screamed at the top of my voice “just cram it in the hole!!” and she responded with equal gusto “I don’t have one!”

 One day while forcing my son to watch a little Lifetime with me, there was a commercial on for Monistat. (This has been a while back…so don’ give him grief about it.  We both were mortified) “Hey mom, what is that stuff for?” Now I tried to put it to him in language a 14 year old boy could understand…”it’s what ladies use when they get jock itch.”  OMG!!  I thought  I was going to have to get a jell-o mold to pour him into.  He was all over the place laughing.  After about ten minutes I’m beginning to get a little ticked cause I still think I gave a pretty good answer, so I try to find out what’s so funny.  “Women don’t wear jocks, Mom!  What do you think they would put in ‘em?  It’s for something really gross and you have it cause I saw that junk in your bathroom and you don’t want to admit that you have cooties!”  And then I endured the twenty minutes of cootie taunting that followed.  By the end I found myself screaming back at the child “…well you’re a cootie!” and things pretty much went down hill from there.

Guys commercials are never for anything truly embarassing like “cooties” (although they should be because God knows it has been scientifically proven that they are the cootie carrier monkeys).  Their commercials are for beer, trucks, tires, and electronics.  I sorta get that I guess, but I’ve known plenty of women who drink beer, drive trucks, change their own tires, and are electronics geeks.  Yet I’ve never seen one guy figure out how to put that tiny little glycerin ampule on the end of that inserter and take care of their own yeast infection.  That takes real balls. Usually it’s more like, “hey hon..when your at the doctor getting your stuff checked out see if he’ll give me sumthin’ too.”  And he will because if he’s a guy he gets it, and if she’s a woman she knows if she doesn’t you’ll get it again.  I don’t even know if guys could go pick up the stuff at Wal-Mart if it didn’t have jock in the title.  Makes them sound athletic…”baby I’m a jock and I got the itch to prove it!”  Listen now and hear me later…it’s jock itch, damn it and we should be glad they share.

Anyway, after that experience with my son, I decided just telling them about the birds and the bees isn’t enough.  That’s telling them how fun the playground is and forgetting to tell them that the grass is asbestos.  No, I decided that all the men in my life should know a few things about women.  We have discussed periods.  Why women have them.  Why they don’t.  We discussed childbirth…natural, Caesarean, breech.  We have discussed breastfeeding and breast exams and each medical procedure I have undergone in depth.  I call them with the results of my mammograms and pap smears.  I let them know when I re-floored the dance hall.  If there is something going on in my life or in my body that might embarass my children I make sure to tell them.  It’s working pretty good so far…we rarely hear from them.

 

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