I want plastic surgery.  I don’t see why I should be denied (other than the whole insurance doesn’t cover it and it’s damned expensive) something that means so much to me.  And I’m not talking an eye lid lift here, I’m talking full out head to toe re-do me plastic surgery.  The kind you see on Extreme Makeovers.  I would gladly write and ask to be on that show but A: I’m not hideous, and B: It is no longer in production.

My husband laughs at me.  He says I’m vain (duh).  He says I am beautiful as I am and I don’t need plastic surgery.  What a lot of hooey.  I have a mirror.  The truth is, he’d rather spend the money on golf equipment or computer crap or just about any one of his many vices than my face/body.  I don’t understand that.  I believe I have mentioned that I am just a “tad” older than my husband.  You would think that he would be excited to go out in public with a new and improved wife.  I mean I have re-vamped the cootch, but who’s gonna see that besides him and my gyno? His other argument is that women who have plastic surgery don’t look like themselves any longer.  Well, I sure as hell hope not.  I would hate to think you would spend thousands of dollars to lose fat and wrinkles and get rid of your turkey waddle and wake up to the same old crap.  So I lie and tell him that with a good plastic surgeon you just look well rested.  Ha!! (insert maniacal laughter here)

In a perfect Housewives of…Orange County, Atlanta, New York  world this wouldn’t be an issue.  Those women do whatever they damn well please and spend thousands of dollars a day on crap.  I watched this weekend as one mother bought extension for her daughter and step-daughter.  Do you know how much that shit costs?  For hair that doesn’t even last!!  OMG…I have written and asked to be adopted, but no response yet.  The bonus is-I’m good with my hair so that will save about $1500 right off the top.  I’m pretty sure my shoulders and ankles are okay as well.  Everything else has to go.  My body needs to be treated like a furniture liquidation sale in a really cheap location…everything must go, cash and carry, bring a truck!!!

I started out wanting a face lift.  I noticed that the little fat pockets over my lids weren’t so little anymore.  The bags under my eyes qualify as carry on under the new FFA regulations.  I have no lips to speak of and my chin is weak…well the first one is, two and three can handle things pretty well.  I want the age spots removed and this crap that my dermatologist called “the mask of childbirth”  (say what?  I wasn’t a pretty pregnant woman…I certainly didn’t glow…but I didn’t need a mask!) taken away.  Anyway, I guess that’s about it for my face…but wait, I can’t have a new young face and walk around with this crepey old neck!  So that will need to be taken care of…that leads directly to the boobs which need to be realigned. (It’s been several thousand miles, they may even need to be rotated), that leads to the inevitable tummy tuck.  This is partly necessary due to all of the yo-yo dieting I’ve done over the years…and that pregnancy thing.  There is definitely a deflated tire hanging around my midsection.  I don’t want to pump that effer up either.  That leads to butt sculpting, liposuction every where, having the spots removed from my hands, and oh why not have laser hair removal too?  I want plastic surgery until people think my nipples are horns growing out of the top of my head!!! (more maniacal laughter).  Then maybe, just maybe, some botox.

This doesn’t sound unreasonable to me.  Yes, money is an issue…but all of the really necessary things in life cost money.  Houses, cars, and plastic surgery aren’t cheap.  You don’t want to go to a discount plastic surgeon either, you might come out looking like a real live Picasso work of art.  I would never go to Mexico, (even though I know a lot of people do) to have plastic surgery done on the cheap.  Like L’oreal, I cost a little more but I’m worth it.  Anyway, it will probably never happen.  At least it will probably never happen as long as my husband is alive, but here’s the good news…I look good in black, and we have great life insurance!