Do not be concerned my lambs.  My marriage is not in trouble.  My husband is flint and I am stone when we clash there are sparks.  We, however; enjoy the fire.  We have had these little battles since way before we were married. I remember in college, when we first met, we were arguing about something and he commented  on my big nose and added fuel to the fire (my nose is not big).  In the heat of the moment I called him f*@#face.  At first he was stunned, and then he broke into riotous laughter.  This is generally what we do.  We argue and then we laugh at how stupid that argument is.

Now on to other things.  I had to go to Walgreens last night to pick up a few things.  While I was there, like any woman, I looked at the beauty products.  There are about a zillion things that claim to decrease lines and wrinkles.  I bet I have spent a college education trying to decrease my lines and wrinkles.  I think the only way to decrease my lines and wrinkles, or at least cover them up, is to wear a burka.   I know the last time I was at Sephora (my favorite store ever) the child helping me choose a foundation asked how much coverage I liked.  I asked if they had anything with a zinc base.  I look at all these products and I wonder if perhaps the best thing to do isn’t just put some Vaseline Intensive Care on your whole body, face included.  If they made ivory beige caulk, I would probably try that.

I don’t think men realize how very difficult the application of makeup is.  It can take hours of application to look like you aren’t wearing makeup.  You have to start with moisturizers, then eye creams, the primers, then base.  You then move on to actual makeup…eye makeup first (so if you get some on your cheeks you can clean it up while applying your base), then concealer…I use this crap like it’s air, foundation, bronzer, lip liner, and lipstick.  No powder though, because it settles in the cracks and you look like every little old lady you’ve ever seen.  I remember when I was going to church every Sunday, Wednesday and the occasional odd weekday, when I would “fellowship” with the church member all the little old ladies wore tons of face powder and you could smell it on them.  I will not be that little old lady.

From make up we went to the lotions and potions.  These have become more complex as well.  I have always used Vaseline Intensive Care.  It is basic and it works.  However they now have one that is prescription strength.  Okay, what do I do now.  There is a part of me that wonders if there is really that much difference, and a part of me that is curious enough to try it.  It’s a couple of dollars more, but one thing I have learned…after menopause the skin dries out.  My skin, as I have mentioned, is incredibly dry.  I sucked it up and bought the expensive lotion.  It feels like buttah!  There were gulping sounds from my skin as I applied it and I believe I heard my thighs saying thank you.  It’s good stuff.  If you have  incredibly dry skin, I really recommend this product.  We sallied through the rest of the store, buying a few things here and there.  A new toothbrush, some mascara, lotion, nothing major but when we got to the register it was $164!  I was a little shocked.  I don’t shock easily and I know that beauty products are expensive but damn!  I hope it doesn’t get to the point that I have to walk around bare faced.  And whether you know it or not you don’t want that to happen either. 

For now you are safe.  I am 100% covered.  I have lotion, makeup, toothbrush and toothpaste, cologne and everything else I need to appear in public as a non-stinky semi-gorgeous woman.  Their maybe faux pas but as soon as I realize what they are I will stop them dead in their tracks.  I will do my part to stimulate the economy through Walgreens, Wal-mart, and Sephora.  These are my stores and I must do what I must do.  Don’t hate me because I’m beautiful.  Hate me because I’m a smart ass.  It makes more sense.  I see so many people out and about that I want to help with this integral part of womanhood.  Just a little bronzer here, or some lip gloss there and Voila!…a new gorgeous girl is standing where drab was before. 

Husbands have been telling wives forever that they are beautiful without makeup.  That is their job.  If they don’t tell us we’re beautiful, they may not have us much longer.  It may also be true that they are trying to convince us that it is true to save the money we spend on cosmetics and skin enhancements.  Or it could just be that they are being sweet.  Here is another possibility:  At my son’s wedding my mother was dressed to the nines.  She was in full makeup too, which is really unusual for mom.   My dad and I were talking and mom walked by.  “Isn’t she beautiful?” I asked dad. “She doesn’t look like she’s 68.”  “She’s not in my eyes”, dad said.  “Every time I look at her I see the 15 year old girl I fell in love with.”  It still makes me tear up a little.  I can’t imagine a better compliment.  If your husband looks at you with eyes full of love and sees you as he did when you met,  if you are that lucky…maybe you can pitch the makeup.  I would still keep the lotion.