I  have crazy eyebrows.  I don’t wake up gorgeous.  That’s no secret.  My hair is currently in a short bob, and it tends to do what it do.  I usually have anywhere from a few strands to a hunk that sticks out in weird ways when I wake up.  I’ve given up on trying to get those crazy pieces to lay down.  I think it is a natural occurrence to have crazy hair in the morning, but truthfully how many people have wacky eyebrows in the morning?  I mean my brows are groomed.  I wax and pluck.  They are arched and sculpted.  Yet when I wake up in the morning some go up, some go down, some wad up in the middle, and some knot up and head south.  It’s nuts!  If we ever have to answer the door first thing in the morning, I’m always afraid whoever is there will run away screaming after having seen me in my morning glory.  I would love to send my husband to the door, but he either A.  fakes sleep or B. swears his sleepwear is to revealing and he doesn’t have a robe. (I do.)

I know people, (I hate them, but I know them) who wake up looking beautiful.  They look just like they did when they went to sleep.  These are the same women who look just as good without makeup as they do with it.  It isn’t fair, but then again…fare is just what you pay to get on the bus. So each day I deal with the crap life has handed me.  The eye boogers, the wacky brows, the crazy hair, that is all just part of the wonder of being me.  I can’t complain when there is so much more to be grateful for.  I have these awesome deep marionette lines around my mouth, lovely crows feet beside my eyes, and fantastic saggy boobs!  Why would I ever give any of that up?  I was reading Us Weekly and Lisa Rinna was talking about looking like a freak because she had too much Juvederm in her cheeks.  Are you freakin’ kidding me?  Have you seen this woman?  She has carp lips!  She can’t even completely close them.  Drinking through a straw is completely out of the question for this chick, in fact I’m not sure how she drinks at all.  She constantly looks as if she’s on the verge of whistling a happy tune. Yet, all she sees when she looks in the mirror are cheeks that are too puffy.  She is plastirexic and it doesn’t even matter if the surgery is good.  She just wants it.   Bad plastic attempts like that keep me enjoying my wrinkles.  I’d rather show my age than have people throw corn at me while I’m swimming.

Another prime example is Madonna.  She has done something to her cheeks again.  Speculation is that she has increased the size of her cheek implants.  Really?  She was already beginning to look like the green goblin from the Spiderman comics (except for the green part) and she thought more cheeks was a good idea? I really do understand an aversion to aging, but when you are a public figure and that public knows that you are 50 something it’s okay to show a few wrinkles.  Cher is another one straight out of Death Becomes Her .  You’ve got to wonder who she sold her soul to.  I think that one day her non 80ish face is going to be pushing her very 80ish ass around in a wheel chair.  Okay, maybe some very 20ish arm candy will be pushing her very 80ish ass around, but you get my point.  Science hasn’t quite figured out how to keep our joints as young as they can make our faces look.  Also, sometimes these plastic faces just look scary…Joan Rivers, Michael Jackson, Priscilla Presley…to name a few.  The goal of plastic surgery should be to make you look natural or perhaps well rested.  These people look like some freaky caricature of a puppet.  Why would anyone choose to look like that?  I wonder if they are happy with their appearance.

My wacky eyebrows are easily subdued.  I slap some water on my face and comb those unruly suckers back in to place.  A little water applied to the corners of my eyes takes care of the eye boogers as well.  As for my hair, well it’s going to stay crazy until I wash and style it.  If I have to get out before that happens I slam a baseball cap on my head.  Done and done.  These people who take fat out of their butts and put it in their lips have a whole different set of issues.  How do you kiss someone after that?  I know my hubby wouldn’t come near their mouths with a ten foot pole if he knew they had that done.  Yet it is a viable way to add that pout to the lips.  My pout is not something I spend sleepless nights worrying about.  I can pout like a mo’fo.  Just ask anyone.  Not only can I put on a pout face…I can keep it for days.  Anyway, my point is…plastic surgery, while viable, can be over done and these people prove it.  I would love to have a few little nips and tucks, but there are some sacred things that should never be touched by a surgeon’s hand. 

So save your corn, my dear ones, I will not pucker up for you anytime soon.  My caterpillars and I will march on and take our au natural face to the grave.  We may not be gorgeous, but people will recognize us.  My Aunt had gone to a funeral once, and true to the southern spirit that reigns in Arkansas, she came home commenting on how lovely the service was. “Oh everything was so nice.  And he looked so good.  He looked like he was just sleeping.  They did such a good job on him at the funeral home.  Why, he didn’t even look like himself.”  To which my uncle, in his usual loving way, replied “Well if he didn’t look like himself…who in the hell did he look like?”  And that is what I’m truly saying…I may wake up ugly, but I get over it.

No Comments »

No comments yet.

RSS feed for comments on this post. TrackBack URL

Leave a comment

You must be logged in to post a comment.