Whoever created geese was wrong.  I realize I am opening myself up for a backlash of criticism from all of the people who believe God doesn’t make mistakes, but let me tell you (before you get on your soap box) geese are hateful, nasty, hissing, creatures that have no purpose other than bullying other fowl.   If you doubt this take a loaf of bread (and some pointy toed shoes) and head to your nearest duck pond.  I promise you will soon find that you hate geese at least as much as I do.  Here’s why:

Yesterday, I took my sweet angel faced grandson to the duck pond.  This was a first trip for the two of us together.  He loves birds.  He spots them in the car and gets so excited he can’t stand it.  I thought a trip to the duck pond would be just the thing.  We took a bag of stale popcorn, a few pieces of stale bread, and our little short legs and off we went on our little adventure.  When we arrived he couldn’t have been more excited.  There were birds everywhere.  They even came up to the car in anticipation of treats.  He couldn’t wait.  As soon as I unhooked the car seat, he was ready to go.  His little legs were a blur as he headed, popcorn in hand, to the duck pond.  Travelling behind him with equal verve was an army of ducks and a few Canadian geese.  He was in heaven.  Once in a while his little beaming face would look at me and say “ducks!” with such pleasure that my heart was melting.  This was as great as I thought it would be.  Now, if I could just keep him out of the water. 

He very carefully picked one kernel of popcorn at a time out of the bag and threw it at the swarm of ducks.  The geese intercepted every throw.  Now at 20 months, his arm isn’t exactly major league and the ducks seemed to realize they needed to adjust…so they got a little closer.  He threw another few pieces.  The geese were still quicker on the uptake.  He started trying to just hand it to the ducks…imminent disaster…I begged him to please throw to the duckies…they like to play catch.  With the next throw the piece of popcorn landed in the hood of his jacket behind him.  He was confused as to where it went and began turning in circles looking for it.  His hands were out in a “where did it go?” gesture as he was circling and as I moved toward him to retrieve it I saw that a very large Canadian goose had spied it and was going in for the grab.  I really don’t know if I was more scared or angry.  I knew that goose was going to peck at the popcorn, but I was afraid that hard bill was going to hit that precious baby’s head on the way in, and I knew it was going to scare the freaking hell out of him when it did.  So, I did the only thing an Emmy with any sense can do…I screamed “NO…get away from my effin’ baby you effin’ goose!”  and drop kicked a goose across the park.  Now you would think that would scare a child too.  You know, seeing his grandmother screaming like a banshee and drop kicking water fowl, but amazingly my grandson didn’t bat an eye.  In fact, he seemed relieved that I was screaming at the goose and not at him.  However, when I kicked the goose it honked a honk that was so impressive my grandson stared in astonishment.  Then he looked at me and absolutely doubled over in laughter.  Not just chuckles, either.  He was doubled over in that deep belly laughter of babies that absolutely no one is immune to.  He had both hands on his knees and tears in his eyes when h e finally was able to catch his breath he used the American Sign Language sign for more.  It seemed he wanted me to kick another one.  (I kinda wanted to as well) I spent the rest of the afternoon on goose guard and he spent it trying to mimic the honk.  On the downside, I’m pretty sure that I ruined a pretty good pair of shoes.  I don’t know what was on the underside of that goose or whether it was there before or after the kick but it doesn’t come out of canvas.

My sister had told me, last summer about some friends of hers who were walking on a park path in town and  were accosted by a goose.  She said they got so scared they ended up leaving the park.  I couldn’t believe two grown woman would let a goose run them out of a park, and told her that I thought they should have just kicked the hell out of it.  After having experienced the thrill of flying fowl at the tip of my tiny foot I feel even more strongly about it.   You really haven’t lived until you have retaliated against one of God’s creatures that is menacing you.  Obviously, you have to be careful about repercussions.  You can’t randomly drop kick humans and if the ASPCA had been there (or PETA) they might have had something to say, but in that moment…given the choice of that precious blond head or that feathered hateful hissing thing, there was really only one choice…the feathers were going to fly.

I believe in evolution.  Perhaps God didn’t make geese as mean as they are now.  Perhaps they have evolved into these creatures because small children in parks torture them or perhaps when we are not looking the ducks make fun of them and their only recourse is to steal their food when they get the chance.  I don’t know.  What I do know is that they behave like street thugs and they need to be taken out of public parks.  I don’t exactly see how that is going to happen, but if you are taking small children to a duck pond any time soon beware of the geese.  Watch closely…and wear pointy shoes!!!