Why does no one in Northwest Arkansas know how to behave at a four way stop?  Inevitably when there is a four way stop someone ends up honking their horn or almost being hit because some Gomer didn’t know when it was his turn.  Remember those little books we all got when we were fourteen?  There is a section in those books on how to behave when you get to a four way stop.  Then you have it on the actual driving test.  I had it on both the written and the driving part of the test.  If everyone else did as well, then 90% of them have forgotten it and 100% of those 90% live in Northwest Arkansas.

Recently I was at a four way stop and (as is usually the case) traffic was at all four stops.  The traffic heading east and west proceeded like they had brains in their heads.  Good for them, right?  Then the Gomer across from me, who had arrived at exactly the same time as me (and didn’t have a signal of any type on) begin to advance into the intersection.  I began to advance into the intersection as well.  Well, the fool gets about halfway into the intersection, turns left in front of me, (or tries to) realizes he doesn’t have a signal on, turns his left signal on, then proceeds to lay down on his horn because I don’t yield to him.  Now, tell me why I would.  Because he is a dumb m’er f’er?  That’s not a good reason.  If I start yielding to all the dumb m’er f’ers in the world I’ll never get anywhere.  Because he finally signaled….think again.  Just because he honked doesn’t mean I have to listen.  If I stop to listen to everyone who honks at me all day long I would never get anything done.  This whole town is full of people who think that horns are exclamation points for their own agendas.  I don’t honk unless it’s absolutely necessary.  I slow down…give you the “mom” stare, and point a finger at you.  Yes, I know it’s harsh, but hey, you screwed up…deal.

Anyway, we all know that if you, and the person across from you, arrive at the four way stop at the same time, and you are turning left you don’t now, nor have you ever, had the right of way.  We do all know that, right?  I mean it’s not like a state secret that only I and a privileged few had in our Arkansas Driver’s Handbook’s.  I know my children had it in theirs.  I also know they didn’t read that part, because I have been in the car with them when they are driving.  Lord, I wish I hadn’t but there it is.  It’s a large part of the reason for the silver highlights in my hair.  I know my daughter has read it, because once when she first started driving she pulled out in front of a driver at a four way stop who was there before her and traveling straight through the stop and she was turning right.  She looked at me in all of her teenage naivete and said, “right of way a@#hole.  Right, mom?” and I had to explain to her glorious fourteen year old self that it didn’t exactly work like that.  Of course that was back when she thought she could eat a whole package of Oreos and only gain the 12 ounces that the bag weighed.  Ahhh, sweet youth!

Sometimes I think we should all have to take the Driver’s test again after a certain period of time.  The problem with that is…I don’t actually want to have to do it myself, I just want everyone else to.  You see, I know I’m alright.  It’s the other people on the road who scare me.  Especially the ones who are over say sixty-five, and maybe that whole four yearsof driving with an adult over the age of twenty-one before your license becomes valid the first time is a good idea as well.  Something needs to change.  We hear sirens here all the time.  Plus you can’t swing a dead cat without landing on an accident scene.  In fact, it is much easier to find an accident scene than it is to find a dead cat.  The personal injury lawyers are getting fat around here.  You can tell their waddle a mile away.  Some of them even advertise on the back of the Emergency Transport Vehicles.  It truly is ridiculous.  I mean, geez a lou folks, it’s a four way stop not brain surgery.  You accept a certain risk with brain surgery, but you shouldn’t have to make sure your will is up to date just because you know you will have to go through a four way stop on your way to the neighborhood market.  I’m beginning to think that maybe the solution is that we all need to build our cars out of the same stuff that Nerf makes balls out of.  Get rid of all the hard cars, get rid of all the gas, get wind propelled Nerf cars and then at least if people stay stupid maybe they won’t get dead.  And for God’s sake, take out all the horns.  Maybe these cute little “Fluff mobiles” can have warning flags that you can raise when you feel someone is in violation of the rules of the road.  Then at least everyone else who is driving won’t jump, turn around and look, to see if perhaps the person honking is honking at them, and thus risking another accident.   I could cure the world of so much if the powers that be would just listen, but they don’t.  No one does.  However; if (God help us) some Auto genius reads this and develops a wind propelled Nerf mobile with flags instead of horns I expect all of you to be my personal witnesses that he stole my idea when I take him to court for stealing it.  I can find you, and you’ll see me coming…I’ll be the one avoiding the four way stops.