I have IBS.  I know big deal, right?  Well, yes, as a matter of fact.  It is a big deal.  I think it needs to be named something different.  It sounds so sweet.  Irritable bowel syndrome.  Oh, are your bowels irritable?  Maybe they need a nap.  Cranky little bowels…you should be ashamed of yourself.  It’s a bright sunny day and you should be nice.  I think it should be called OMG I have the distended stomach from hell and the cramps to go with it get me some relief right now before I rip your head right off your shoulders.

There is no way this is a dignified disease.  For one thing it’s “bowel syndrome” that’s involving poop no matter how you look at it.  Now you can have IBS with diarrhea or with constipation.  You don’t get to choose and in fact some people are unfortunate enough  to get both.  I don’t pretend to think that one is better than the other.  I have IBS with constipation.  It sucks.  I have been hospitalized for it.  If I am lucky I have a bowel movement once a week or so.  When I do, it’s like I’m a toddler.  I come out of the bathroom and announce that “I made big potty!”  Everyone cheers and says “Yeah!” and it’s a real big deal.  I even mark it on the calendar because if I get sick I know my doctor is going to ask how long it has been since my last bowel movement, and if I haven’t written it down I won’t know.  I was feeling  bad on Monday and had to take some Phillip’s Milk of Magnesia which began to work on Tuesday.  When my hubby asked me how long it had been since my last BM I checked the calendar and it had been 11 days.

I prefer to think that I am a very immaculate person.  I just don’t create waste.  My body is extremely efficient and uses every bit of food I put in it.  My doctor has a different opinion.  He says I am just constantly full of shit.  I don’t know why I don’t change doctors.  We have tried Amitiza which is the only medication currently approved for IBS with constipation.  It gave me no relief from the constipation and gave me killer heartburn.  I constantly consume fiber.  I eat fiber bars for breakfast and whole grain breads.  I eat raw vegetables and fruits all day long.  I snack on bowls of hay and stems.  You would think I would pass wicker furniture, but I don’t pass so much as a toothpick.

There is a children’s book out that is entitled Everybody Poops.  The author obviously hadn’t met me when the book was titled.  I must challenge the theory.  A proper title would be Everybody Should be Able to Poop.  I wish I could live life without thinking about it.  In my family a common response is “I go 2 or 3 times a day!”  Well, yippee skippy.  I don’t.  The GI guy tells me it’s stress related.  I need to relax.  I tell him “you crap twice a month, see how relaxed you are.”  No one gets me.  I am really not writing this for sympathy.  I am not sure that those with IBS with diarrhea aren’t worse off.  Constantly looking for bathrooms, afraid to travel, wearing adult diapers, and so on.  I  am writing so those of you out there who have this ridiculous ailment will know that I have put a voice to it.  It won’t do any good.  It won’t change the fact that we still have this, but at least there is company in the misery.

And now I shall go have a bowl of Fiber One (and no matter what they say I swear eating the box would be tastier) with some blueberries.  I will wake up tomorrow and have a Fiber Plus bar with my coffee and pretend that I believe that tomorrow this will work and I will be normal.  That I will have two cups of coffee, grab a newspaper and retreat to the bathroom for a leisurely poop.  Oh wait, that’s guys.  I’ll just have to run in for a quick poop between loads of dishes and laundry and cleaning and bill paying and running errands and  what did the doctor say about stress?       

1 Comment »

1. 

   Duchess,
   I’ve got a great recipe for mulch muffins. Will send later.
   Baroness

   Comment by pms — April 16, 2009 @ 6:42 am

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