…well she called again today and wants to go shopping.  Thursday was her requested day.  She’ll buy lunch (of course) and then she wants a red sweater or jacket and some plain white Keds.  Of course she has very specific requirements for these two items, and we will never be able to find them so we will be required to go back.  Probably next week.

It’s not that I mind so much.  Yes, she is hard to deal with.  She complains about everything.  Nothing ever fits.  Nothing is the right color, shape, or whatever it takes to make sure that she can hijack me for another day.  It’s not her fault, really.  Her own kids are disasters that only ask her for money or favors.  They never just show up to take her to lunch or dinner.  They call and promise things that never happen and use, use , use her.  She is lonely and needy and I seem to be the only one who cares.

Today, even my mother said she was afraid that my very dear, very Southern friend who lives down the street means more to me than she does.  I am shocked.  She absolutely can’t see that there is no contest when it comes to whom I love more.  She pulls these little guilt trips on me all the time, but today I tried to make her understand that because I am a good person I simply cannot turn my back on her.  When my mother asked why, I told her that it was because I was a good person.  My mother’s response was that she was a good person too, but she could turn her back on her.

Life is often one of those damned if you do damned if you don’t.  Lately it seems like it’s almost damned before I do or don’t.  Everything in this stinking house is breaking down or messing up.  The hubby monitors every dime I spend.  When I do have to buy something he won’t tell me no.  He just has this really disappointed tone of voice that lets me know that he would have rather I hadn’t.   I keep waiting for something to change and the only changes I see are for the worse.

The Precious is good for a laugh.  Everything he does is precious beyond belief, but he has to go home sometimes (I mean he really has to go home).  I can’t seem to enjoy reading or cross stitch.  I try but doing anything that close up makes me sleepy.  Playing games on the computer has become mundane.  I can’t enjoy the pool like I should.  Our Polaris (that’s our automatic pool cleaner that we call Dave) is broken and is not going to be fixed any time soon.  It is a low priority need.  That means that I have to vacuum the pool by hand.  Dragging a ten foot pole through 8 feet of water (in the deep end) for a couple of hours does nothing to decrease the arthritis in my shoulders.  I have been making myself do it at least twice a week, but it hurts like hell and it takes me three days to get over it.  By then it’s time to vacuum again.  I keep the house picked up.  If you come over don’t look closely.  There hasn’t been enough good days to clean it like I should.

So what do you do when you are clinically depressed, emotionally stressed, and in a great deal of pain?  You blog.   I know that no one wants to read about the crap that goes on in my life, when everyone is dealing with their own crap.  I don’t know why I am writing this.  Maybe to vent in my own way.  If you are reading this I am yelling out loud right now, “I’m made as hell and I just can’t take it anymore.”  Unfortunately, it hasn’t done me any good.

Therefore when I am around my emotionally needy mother I must plaster a smile on my face and pretend that everything is peachy.  When my children call or come by with their problems, I lend a comforting shoulder and tell them it will all work out.  I wouldn’t burden them with the pain I feel.  I listen to them complain and nod and act like they are the only people who have ever had problems.  Meanwhile I am dealing with a crap load of problems all my own.

“No mother I don’t love any other old woman as much as I do you.  Everything is fine. I’m feeling better today.” Because if I don’t call every single day she assumes I am lying in bed.  If I don’t come over every couple of days I must be aching too much to come and see her.  If I do anything else and she learns of it she gets the same look on her face that the hubby does when he sees me coming in with a shopping bag.  It’s not happiness that I see there.  Forgive me if I sound bitter, but I kind of am right now.  As far as mother goes, my sister has it much worse than I do.  I know lots of people who deal with more than one needy old lady.  My pain is nothing compared to so many people who are coping much better than I.  I realize that we have it better than a lot of people out there.  The big difference is this is happening to me, and I have been patient, and considerate of others, and all the things they told me that is required of a good girl and now all I am is pissed.

So what am I going to do about it?  Absolutely nothing.  I will take my very dear, very Southern friend shopping and then go and see my mother because God forbid I shouldn’t.  I will be there for my family, regardless of the pain it causes me, and I will continue to blog mostly happy stories of my world and what happens in it.  However; occasionally I will vent.  I will vent loudly and without thoughts of how my words sound to others.  I can only do that here, and  I will apologize to those of you reading my frustration because that is what good girls do.

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