It’s official…my mother is deaf.  She came over last night to celebrate The Precious’s 2nd birthday and I swear to you she couldn’t hear a thing.  In order to get her to hear you, you have to first get everyone else in the room to shut up and secondly look right at her and scream.  Let me just say that when you have our family together in one room you will not be able to get everyone to shut up.  You might get some to lower the volume, but shutting up is out of the question.  In fact, if you have the whole family together what you usually get is everyone talking louder so that they can be heard over whomever else is talking.

This was the scenario last night.  We had a house full of people.  We had the whole family sans one uncle, but we also had my very dear, very southern friend who lives down the street.  That woman could talk the horns off of a billy goat.  Any subject you bring up she has a story for.  If you have ever been somewhere she has either been there or is going soon.  Now, let me clarify…I love her.  I think she is a hoot.  In fact, I encourage her stories.  Nine out of ten times she is pissed at one of her kids.  They have always done something that would make a parent less than proud.  She usually starts her stories with “Lord, girl wait till you hear what…”  the last noun in that sentence is generally one of the old neighbor ladies or one of her kids.  Not only does she speak loudly, she speaks quickly and thus it is very difficult for mom to hear her.  (Like she hears any of the rest of us).

Part of the problem is that the ENT I took mom to said that the problem in her right ear can’t be improved by using a hearing aid.  Mom immediately took that hearing aid out and put it away.  Now she has only her left ear and the hearing in it is incredibly diminished.  The bigger problem is that she hears part of a word and then decides what the word is without hearing it.  So you may say “it’s coming apart” and she hears “who let a fart”.   Not great in mixed company.  My sister and I are usually pretty good about catching what is going on and cleaning it up before it hits the fan.  I worry a lot about her going to the doctor alone but she insists she can do it herself.  Then she comes home and tells me what the doctor said or how she is supposed to take her medicine and I know it’s wrong.  I then have to call the doctor and get the correct diagnosis or dose.  Luckily the doctor is a good friend as well, so he is very patient with mom and the fact that he has to tell her and then tell me.

Anyway last night at some point in the conversations my mother heard my very dear, very southern friend who lives down the street discussing her trip to Scotland next month.  She was talking about having a key made for me so that I can check on her houseplants and pick up her mail.  Some how mom got the idea that she was leaving right away on a cruise (totally wrong) andthat she was going to be gone until next month.  So today I get a phone call that goes something like this: “Has granny k. left yet?”  “Gone where?”  “To Ireland.”  “She went to Ireland last year.”  “Well, she’s going back.  She said she is taking her 3 boys.”  “Okay, Scotland…she’s taking the boys to Scotland.”  “Scotland..Ireland..I knew it was a place that grew potatoes.” hmmm… “Okay?”  “Well has she left?”  “She doesn’t go until next month.”  “No she said she was leaving this month.”  “No mom, she is definitely leaving next month.  I know because I am taking care of her house while she is gone.”  “Then why was she trying to give you her house key?”  “So I could check on her house.”  “Well you don’t need it now do you?”  “Well we were supposed to have traded keys a while back and I gave her our house key.  ”  “Why did you give her a key to your house?”  “Well, if we get locked out or one of the kids loses their key we can just walk down there and get her key.”  “Well you could call me.”  “Yes, I suppose I could, but what if it’s dark outside and you had to drive in the dark to let me in?  You don’t drive in the dark.”  “Well, why would you be out that late without your key or your husband?”  “I don’t know, let’s say I am hanging out in a bar and I’m too drunk to drive.  If I call a cab to take me home and get there and my hubby is gone…she’s just down the street and I don’t have to wait for you to let me in.”  long pause…”how often does that happen?”  “What?”  “You two go out drinking and have to call a cab?” ”Mom, I was just speaking hypothetically.  We don’t drink but that is one scenario in which we might need a key closer than yours.”  “I suppose if you are going to act like fools you probably don’t want your mother to know.”  “Yes, mom.  That’s right.”   So you see how this works.  She hears what she thinks was said and runs with it.  She probably went right home and emailed everyone she knows about the drinking problem her baby daughter has.  She probably called my preacher cousin and arranged an exorcism.  The other thing that makes this difficult is that this conversation started with her asking about my neighbor, and ended with me being in trouble.  Sometimes I say things (like the drunken thing) just to see if she’s paying attention.  Just for the record, those are the things she hears perfectly.  I just can’t win.  It’s especially hard right now, because I have had this same sinus infection and bronchitis for about three weeks now.  My voice is shot.  At first I sounded like Marge Simpson, but over time I have become a two pack a day Bea Arthur.  Even if I shout it is hard for mother to hear me.  So she will repeat what she thinks I have said and it will be totally wrong.  I then rev up my voice and repeat what I just said.  Sometimes she gets it the second time, but often she misses and I have to try to shout even louder.  I don’t know if I have lost my voice due to illness or shouting.

The amazing part of all of this is that she hears perfectly what The Precious says.  To her he talks in complete sentences and says words that none of the rest of us have ever heard him say.  His vocabulary around his great-grandmother increases ten-fold, at least.  I will hear him say “c’mon Emmy, let’s shoot” and mother hears, “I want to go to granny’s.”  He might say “I don’t want it.” and mother hears “no one loves me as much as granny.”  It is amazing.  I don’t know what to do.  I’ve taken her to the best doctors I know and nothing can make her hear better.  I think we are just going to have to accept the fact that granny is deaf.  It could happen to any of us.  Deafness runs in the family, so I try to choose my words carefully for I may have to eat them in the near future.  I have gone so far as to say that if there is anything that can be done I will do it.  I don’t want my kids talking to me like I talk to my mother.

 

 

 

1 Comment »

1. 

   Dear Marge Arthur,

   Your mom called. She said the neighbor’s drunken ferrets are staying with you while Granny May vacations in Aukland for a year. She’s thinks it would be best if she kept your liquor cabinet key at her house.

   I concur.

   Comment by pms — June 11, 2009 @ 9:13 am

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