I received an email recently from one of my dear friends that was about a girl whose name was Le-A.  The primary question was how do you pronounce her name.  Lee a, Leigh, Lei a, and several others were mentioned, but the child’s name was Ledasha.  Apparently, “the dash not be silent”.

Why do people do that?  I understand the need to set ones self apart from the crowd, but why subject your child to the embarrassment of constantly hearing “…and how do you pronounce that?”  Especially if you have a really difficult last name.  I remember when my daughter was playing softball, one of the little girl’s last names was Zbrieweski.  Upon going over the roster the coach came to the Zs and asked “…and how do you pronounce that?”  The witty father piped up “Smith.”  So here is the first rule to naming your child…don’t name them difficult names if their last name is ridiculous.  And as a parent you should know that if you have spent the majority of your life answering “…and how do your pronounce that?” your child’s first name should be Ann, John, Meg, Tim or some other easily spelled and easily pronounced name.  If your last name is Wojohowicz do not name your progeny Lazahonda or Ladarian or anything that contains more than one syllable. 

Which brings me to rule 2, do not name your child a name you do not know how to spell.  Since I have begun watching pro football I have seen about a thousand spellings of the name Dante.  Dauntay, Dawnte, Donte, and so on.  For God’s sake, buy a book on baby names.  Pick something that you can spell and other people can pronounce.  If you want to name your son Sean,  be sure you name him after Connery…not Johnson!  These kids are going to have to live with these names for the rest of their lives.  No wonder crime is on the rise.  These people are acting out because their names suck!  When the world was full of common names there was much less crime.  Even now when a crime is committed it is much less likely to have occurred at the hands of a Jim, John, or Adam.  This is not always the case, but I am dealing in a world where my theories haven’t been tested….yet!

The third rule is a pretty simple one.  When your child is born, look into their little face and see who they are.  Coming up with a name nine months in advance just doesn’t always work.  When I was pregnant the first time I was determined that my child (if it was a boy) would be named Austin.  When I looked into his face  he was anything but an Austin.  I re-named him on the spot, and I feel he has lived up to his name.  The next thing you should do is imagine them in their golden years.  Does the name you have chosen for them work just as well for an octogenarian as it does for an adolescent?  If it doesn’t you need to rethink your choice.  We are about to have a world full of grandmothers named Breath, Fleur, Meadow and so on.  It’s bad enough that they are going to be pierced, tattooed, and who knows what else, at least a regular name would give them a strong point to come from.

I have a name that is never available on any of the mugs, keychains, or other little things found in souvenir stores.  My name is a combination of both of my parent’s names.  I also had a last name that always had to be spelled and pronounced.  When I was young I hated it.  I always swore I was going to marry a Smith or a Jones.  My name is not as unusual as it used to be, but it isn’t common.  It took me a long time to appreciate my name.  I made sure that when my children were born they had names that had been around for centuries, with the exception of my daughter.  She was named after a friend from high school (but I spelled it in a way that made it easily pronounceable).  Well, to be exact, my ex-husband named my younger son…but I gave him his nickname which has stuck.  Regardless, when they were in school other children also had their names.  Their last name was a three syllable monstrosity that they couldn’t spell until third grade, so it was my intention that they didn’t have to hear “…and how do you spell that?” about both of their names. 

Finally, just let me say that in my opinion the father should never be allowed to name the child.  Primarily, because men are stupid, but also because they tend to think that “cute” names are good.  I have a nephew who said he was going to name his child Lunchbox or Cookie.  My son wanted to name my grandson Beau Hunter.  This is the reason they should be denied naming the child.  My ex named my middle son an old family name that hasn’t seen the dust brushed off of it since 1860 (hence the nickname).  I could go on and on, but you get the idea.  This is just my opinion and experience…you may have a husband or son or whatever who understands the basics behind naming a child and if you do…I apologize for generalizing…and congratulations!

So to all of the Le-a’s out there…I’m sorry.  I wrote this too late for you, but consider your embarassment when you name your own child.  To all of the potential parents out there, please be kind.  This is the rest of your child’s life we are talking about.  To my own middle child…I know you have come to accept your name and you no longer blame me for turning my back when the birth certificate was brought into the hospital room.  I would like to remind you that I am the reason no one knows your given name without your express permission.  To all my children…I’m sorry I didn’t marry a Smith or a Jones.