We have a message chalkboard in the kitchen.  The original purpose of the chalkboard was to leave messages telling other members of the household about phone calls, where one is going, call me, and such.  It is a handy little item that has become a family joke.

The chalkboard has always been a favorite of The Precious, so frequently it is covered in multi-colored squiggles or Spongebob, trains, monster trucks, and anything else with wheels or landing gear.  Boppy uses it to draw a little character we call Bob.  Bob often is left with nothing said.  He wears a top hat on St. Paddy’s day.  He has been known to wear a diaper on New Year’s day, a heart on Valentine’s day, have rabbit ears on Easter and so on.  Lately Bob has started talking.  He tells us of golf trips, and trips to Golf USA.  He is polite enough to tell us Happy Birthday, or Happy  Anniversary and so on.  My daughter uses the chalkboard to leave us little messages.  She often states where she is going and writes “I love you both!”  Recently we were gone over night and the little chalkboard was waiting for us when we got home.  It said “Missed you guys.  Welcome Home!”  We had a chalkboard message on our anniversary and recently one that told us she had to go to work early.  I’m telling you it is a handy little wall hanging.

I love my little chalkboard, but you never know what you will find on it.  A lot of people see it as an invitation to write any old crap they think is funny.  Once Boppy’s friend wrote, “happy anniversary limp dick and squeaky tits”.  That had to come off before my mother came over and there was serious explaining to do with the kids.  We have had random bits of trivia on the board.  Pumpkins are common in October.  Santa arrives on the board in early December (replaced on the 8th and 21st with birthday wishes for Boppy and my non-vag. daughter).  I am sure you see the pattern.

Well this week it has been a competition to see who can write the funniest thing regarding what you are doing.  It started with Boppy.  He was going to play golf (shock and surprise) and left the message “gone golfing”.  The next day my daughter was going to a concert and she crossed out golfing and wrote “partying”.  The day after, Boppy wrote above the crossed out golfing “golfing again”.  Then my daughter wrote “working”, but kept Boppy’s again.  Well I was feeling really left out.  I don’t golf or work or do anything that is interesting enough to write about on the chalkboard or anywhere else.  I thought about “gone vacuuming” but that really didn’t make any kind of sense.  I considered other choices but they were equally ridiculous.  Finally I thought I would just write the truth so I wrote (in bright pink) “I’m Not Doing a Damn Thing”.  It was a hit.  My daughter thought it was just too funny.  Boppy liked it too.  Here’s the thing…they think I wrote it because at the current moment I wasn’t doing anything and that was true.  What I meant though, was “don’t ask me to do anything today because I won’t”.  I guess the last laugh was on them.

I have had it with people who misuse the word literally.  Literally means that it actually happened in the manner you described.  When you say I was so scared, I literally s@#t my pants…you should find yourself walking around in dirty drawers.  I was in Wal-Mart (where else?) on Thursday and this young girl checking me out at the register was recounting her day to me.  She told a very long story involving work and her boyfriend and she ended it by saying, “I am literally worn down to the bone.”  I said to her, “No sweetie, you are figuratively worn down to the bone.  I know this because I am looking at you, and flesh is evident on your frame.”  Well, she gave me the befuddled gaze of the well educated and said, “you know, right?”

No I don’t know.  I don’t know what is being taught in English classes these days.  I don’t think people think before they speak.  But I truly believe that people have mangled the language for so long that it is unrecognizable.  I cringe when people say, “I couldn’t care less.”  That is not what they are trying to say.  What they want to say is “I could care less.”  The phrase (in all its glory) is used to imply indifference.  If you say “I couldn’t care less” then you are implying that you have cared but you have reached your maximum.

I have issues with people who “umm and ahh” while speaking.  “Say it damnit!”  If you think before you speak, you then know what to say.  Therefore fillers are unnecessary.  That includes “know what I’m saying” and God help us “like”.  I live in a college town.  Every kid in the state says “like” without even realizing it.  Like has its own definition.  It is not a filler word.  “Like if you use like every time you are like talking to someone, like you are probably like not making a lot of sense.  Like if I said I thought you were like pretty and you said like thanks, I probably would like not notice that you had like put an extra word in like the sentence.”  OMG!!  These are the people we are sending out into the work force.  It is just embarrassing.  It is no wonder that our language is so hard for other to learn.  We mangle it on a daily basis.

Now we even have a separate language for people who have IM cell phones and twitter accounts.  “OMG, WTF, and LOL are just a few of the “fill in the blanks” words.  My daughter’s fingers fly across the keyboard of her cell phone as she sends a message.  She does it driving.  She does it when she is eating dinner.  She does it all the time, and she swears she doesn’t use the abbreviations.  I don’t know.  I don’t read her messages.  I don’t know if I can.  It makes my brain ache to have to think that hard.  I have a friend who sends me text messages and uses the abbreviations in the body of her texts.  I have to get a piece of paper and a pen and decipher the puzzle like it is some cryptogram.  If I mess up the whole message is screwed, so I screw up my already furrowed brow and set to it.  If the message is totally ridiculous, I assume I have made an error somewhere.

I also take issue with people who mispronounce words.  Our fiftieth state is Ha-y-e, not Hi-y-ya!  You don’t get tor-till-ya chips with your salsa, but by all means eat tor-tee-a chips and maybe some K-so would be nice. No one has ever warshed clothes.  They are washed.  When the creek is subjected to temperatures that are below freezing it will in fact be frozen…not froze.   Next there is a personal preference of mine.  Technically cheese can be plural.  In my mind,  cheese is a single entity.  You do not want to use the word cheeses.  It sounds like Jesus.  You may have three or four kinds of cheese.  You may put multiple slices on your sandwich…but please don’t put the Lord between bread.  It is disrespectful.  My father-in-law takes issue with the way I pronounce “PICTURE”.  He says I pronounce it “PITCHER”.  Well, let me say this…I don’t think that I do, but even if I did, one small infraction would hardly compare to the butchering he does on a regular basis.  I know when I was small I was told, “people who live in glass houses shouldn’t throw stones.”  Well his is a crystal palace laden with stones, and he just keeps pitching away.

I try very diligently to curb my corrective tongue.  Especially when I hear strangers say things that make me cringe.  I don’t want to be the a-hole who corrects everyone in the family.  But when it comes to vocabulary and word usage I will correct them when they are speaking about something and  sound stupid.  Please look up, and learn, the difference between literally and figuratively.  Or just leave them out and say what you want to say.  You sound stupid when you say “I literally died.”  Obviously you didn’t.  You are telling the story.  Instead try, “I thought I would die.”  Or if you really feel the extra word is needed try “figuratively” instead.  For it is the correct term…unless you’re a ghost and you did literally die.  In which case I apologize.  Say whatever you want.