My mother went on her first date since my Dad passed away, last Wednesday.  She met a man in church that she has determined is a good man.  He calls her nearly every day and checks up on her.  He is eighty-six and has been widowed for about 5 years.  As I mentioned in a previous blog, she asked me and my sisters what we would think if she went out with him.  I don’t know what my sisters that live in different towns said, but my oldest sister and I told her to go for it.  Well, she took us up on that and off they went to watch my niece perform in Eureka Springs.
My niece’s show is a country bluegrass thing that attracts a lot of older people.  I have been a few times, and I nearly always feel like one of the youngest people there.  Anyway, that is where mom and her friend went.  I asked here how it went.  “Well,” she said, “he was very much the gentleman.  He opened my car door for me, and then he helped me with the seat belt.  Then when we got to the show he opened my car door for me and helped me into the building.”  I was pretty impressed.  My dad never treated my Mom with that kind of respect, and she was married to him for 62 years.  I asked Mom if they were going out again and she said she didn’t think so…”we just didn’t have that much in common.”  Really?  Mom is seventy-eight and the gentleman is 86.  They are both widowed.  Mom for a year and six months and the date for five years or so.  They both have children.  They both go to the same church.  They both like country music.  They both admit that they are lonely and would like to have a companion.  Yup, she’s right.  They don’t have a thing in common.

I think on some level she thinks she is cheating on my Dad.  She was only fifteen when they got married, and they were married for so long that she doesn’t know how to deal with any one else.  She told me, after her evening out, that she had had the best and no one else would do.  I told her to quit comparing other men to Daddy.  It’s not fair to them or her.  Dad was one of a kind.  He certainly wasn’t perfect, but it seems he has become perfect over time.  My only problem with Mom seeing this guy is that he is eighty-six, and I am not sure she could handle burying another husband.  She insists that she is through with dating (after one date…please) because she was tired of hearing the same old stories by the end of the night.  I found it interesting that this fellow had become all widowed men.  I told her it was just one night.  She didn’t have to marry him.  Good lord, she let me have it with both barrels.  “That is the farthest thing from my mind.  Where did you get that.  Oh my gosh!”  I thought it would be crude to mention that upon meeting this man she said nothing could ever come of the relationship because he spends winters in Arizona with his kids and she wasn’t leaving her kids for the whole winter.   It seems to me that either my Mom was talking about shacking up or marriage by what is implied by that conversation.  I don’t think shacking up was an option.

I can only imagine how difficult it must be for her.  She waited on my Dad hand and foot.  She cooked him whatever he wanted whenever he wanted it.  She didn’t wear shorts that weren’t fitted because Dad thought loose shorts looked sloppy.  When Dad passed away she didn’t know what shows were available because Dad always chose the programs that they watched.  She still watches bull riding, Mama’s Family, and Andy Griffith (which she pronounces Andy Griffin) because those were shows that Dad liked.  She has added a few programs that Dad would have had a fit if he had to watch…like Dancing With the Stars.  She really needs someone to need her.  She loves taking care of her family, but her family have all been doing things for themselves for years.  I try to find something for her to do over here at least once a week.  I’m sure she complains about doing it to my sisters and anyone else who will listen, but I know she is pleased to be needed.

I am hoping I will never find myself in her position.  I married a man twelve years my junior.  The odds are I will go out first, but if not (because the women in our family live well into their nineties) taking into consideration the fact that men go earlier than women, we should kick it at about the same time.  The other thing is I don’t wait on him hand and foot.  He would like it if I did, but most days I find it difficult just to wait on me.  Yes, I fix his meals but I don’t carry them to him.  I don’t make sure he has everything (and I mean everything) he needs before I begin my dinner.  I do keep the house relatively clean.  That means it looks clean on the surface but don’t go prowling around where you don’t belong.  I also despise doing laundry so often Boppy runs out of clothes before I do the wash.  This would make my mother cringe.  She does laundry every day.  The bottom line is, I just am not much like my Mom. 

I hope Mom continues to go out.  If not with this guy then with someone else.  I think it is sweet that she is looking for a companion.  I would like to see her get out of the house and go somewhere more exciting than Wal-Mart or the doctor’s office.  I don’t think she has ever been on many dates, and it would do her good to experience that.  The only problem is I’m just not sure she will keep trying.  In her mind, Dad was perfect and she has placed him so high on a pedestal that you would need a Sherpa to get up there.  She has told me a million times that he was her “baby” and she took good care of him.  Yes, she took good care of him, but I don’t think of my father as a baby.  Lord knows she had plenty of bona fide babies to take care of.  You would think she would know the difference.  Anyway, if my mother needs a new baby to take care of I would rather it be eighty-six than newborn.  At least the eighty-six year old has his own family that can take care of him!

It boils down to is this…Mom needs someone to fuss over and my older sister would rather it not be her.  She comes by daily for lunch, and then stops by after work to visit with Mom.  She goes way beyond her daughterly duty to keep Mom company.  I am not as good about going to Mom’s as my sister is, but I call her daily to check up on her.   I know I should do more, but my sister lives alone and I have a family to take care of.  I really do the best I can.  I try not to feel guilty about putting all of this on my big sister, but I do.  I hope for her sake that Mom can find a companion.  I think that would go a long way towards lightening my sister’s load.  On the downside, I am not sure  either of them could ever solve a puzzle on Wheel of Fortune by their selves.  Mother has said it takes them both to win.   Of course, Mother’s main concern is what Vanna is wearing, but I digress.  I want Mom to be happy.  I want my sister to be happy.  I think a nice Christian man would be perfect for Mother, but please not another saint. 

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