My anorexic non-vag. daughter has taken herself off sugar.  She is freakishly tall (5′9″ or so) and weighs all of a buck twenty, and she has decided she needs to quit eating sweets.  It seems that there is a dress she wore pre-pregnancy that doesn’t fit any longer.  Boo hoo!!  When this child was shopping for a wedding dress we went into the bridal shop.  She found a dress she liked.  It was a size 6.  She put it on and it fit.  Perfectly.  It didn’t need to be hemmed.  It didn’t need to be taken in or let out.  It fit.  In all my years of taking daughters to try on dresses, that was a first.  She still wears a six, and excuse me if I don’t feel sorry for her.  I asked her what was wrong with the dress and apparently it is just a little too tight.   I threw up a little in my mouth.  I told her that when she tries it on and her ass and her boobs hang down below the hem, then I would feel sorry for her.

There is a reason older women don’t wear shorter skirts and dresses.  We don’t like it when our nipples get cold.  I remember when I had a nice body…vaguely.  I am only 5′3″, but at one point in my life I weighed 101 pounds (no I wasn’t a fetus).  I had huge boobs and a tiny waist and I wore short dresses.  Seriously short dresses…they were shorter than some of the tunic tops I have today.  It was the seventies, it was what we did.  I remember that it was a huge controversy about whether it was better to have a top locker or a bottom locker.  If you had a top locker some perv below you could look right up your dress.  If you had a bottom locker and had to bend down anyone looking closely could see your hoo haw.  Hoo haw issues aside, I knew no one was going to see my nipples. 

Here’s the other thing…no one will probably ever see her nipples.  She is smaller busted and she thinks that is a bad thing.  Seriously?  If I don’t wear an industrial strength bra the girls go south…of course if I am lying down on my back they go east and west…but they go.  I can’t go to Wal-Mart, JC Penney, or any place and buy some cheap bra.  I have to buy the $40 bras, and they are never ever comfortable. They are stainless steel and wired harder than the CIA.  Once I found one that was sort of comfortable so I went back and bought all they had.  Now, ten years later the elastic is all gone and they don’t make that kind anymore.  I found one that I like at Victoria’s Secret but you have to wash them a few times before you wear them to get them good and bearable, and that is defining bearable loosely.   I would love to wear a $10 bra and not step on my nips.  I can only imagine going commando in my dreams.  That hasn’t happened since 1975.

You know the hubby and I are on Jenny Craig right now, and I would like to lose 50 pounds.  This child is talking 5, maybe 10.  Do you have any idea how much I want to bitch slap her?  I have dresses I have worn once and given away because they don’t fit and she is whining.  In fact, I think I currently own maybe 3 dresses that fit and probably 10 that don’t.  By the time I lose the weight I need to lose to fit into the dresses they will be out of style.  She says it’s those last few baby pounds.  Yeah, I have those too.  I’ve got the 5 pounds from the first kid, the 10 pounds from the second kid, and the 15 pounds from the third kid.  The additional twenty I blame on menopause…and cheesecake, but even when I lose the fifty pounds I want to lose I still will weigh more than my daughter weighs now. 

I hope she loses the weight she wants to lose.  I hope the dress fits perfectly, just like her bridal gown did.  I hope she learns to live on fruit, turkey, chicken, and air…because that is what life without sweets is.  Even on JC we get the occasional piece of cake, or a cookie. I think it’s an attaboy for not pigging out the rest of the time.  I hope she can resist, but (here’s the real test) her sister is having a birthday in a couple of weeks and I will be baking her a fantastic layered birthday cake.  I intend to practice all my baking skills and make the best birthday cake I can.  Then I am going to sit back and watch that skinny little bitch resist it.  I am thinking chocolate…with ganache….and maybe fudge.  

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