Okay, for those of you who are keeping up, I have the test results and the girls are fine.  Apparently, while most people have actual tissue in their breasts I have oatmeal…very lumpy oatmeal.  I went in last Thursday to have a needle aspiration or possibly a biopsy.  I walked into the Breast Center of Northwest Arkansas ready to face whatever happened.  I took Boppy with me for moral support.  The first nurse I saw brought out a tray of instruments and began setting up what she referred to as a “pre-op” table.  Then they told me to strip above the waist.  As she was doing all of this “prep” work she was droning on and on about how the Drs. really don’t like another person in the room because he had a patient’s spouse pass out during the procedure.  I assured her that Boppy had been through and seen a whole lot worse with me and told her about breaking and skinning my nose while attempting to mount a skittish mare in an arena with a child who should have known better than to circle her horse at break neck speed.  She admitted that he had indeed seen worse, but still doubted that the dr. would let him in.  Turns out she was right.  I hate when that happens.

First of all they apparently lost my films from my mammogram so I had to get my boobies squished for the second time in a week.  I love being treated like a piece of meat.  There you stand naked with you nipples completely erect (because it is always cold in this effing place) and this trucker slaps your bare breast up against a metal plate grabs your nipple and stretches it to Tulsa.  Just when you are pretty much convinced that is as far as it will go they manage to drag it another foot or so.  Then they tell you to place your feet facing forward.  Hold the bar on the side of the machine, tip your chin up and to the right and then they slam a glass plate on your exposed and distorted boob and squeeze it until you produce milk (this is not exclusive to nursing mothers).  Then they ask you to stay in that position while they look at the results.  Thank God the damn images are digital and pretty quick to come back.  When she came back in she told me that while the doctor was looking at the images he found another lump.  That makes two in Lucy and one in Ethel.  Where is the justice?  The radiologists and the nurses are talking about me like I’m not there.  In addition, they have a med student in there who is asking questions I don’t want to hear the answers to.  Finally, his majesty, Dr. Harm (I swear to God I didn’t make that up) pats my foot in a very condescending manner and asks “What do we have here?”  OMG…this person can’t tell what a foot is, how in the hell is he going to place not one but two needles in my breasts?  At this point I have had six films of mammograms done and three ultrasounds and Dr. H picks up the wand to ultrasound my breast again. 

The first shot was to deaden my breast.  I was told it would feel like a bee sting.  That was total BS.  It’s true I didn’t feel the second needle, but if it had been the only needle I still would have only felt the one stick.  I think they only use two shots to make you feel like they are deadening the boob. The next needle was larger and had a vacuum attached to it.  He picked up that needle and began to penetrate the breast tissue.  I was watching the needle’s descent on the ultrasound screen.  I saw it approach the lump, and here is where we find out just what is going on.  If the needle can pick up fluid all I need is an aspiration.  If the needle can’t draw fluid I will have to have a biopsy.  Just then I see the needle puncture the lump and the lump begins to disappear.  One down…I have to undergo this two more times.  That was all I needed.  Needle aspirations are no big thing.  This makes five lumps I have had to have taken care of.  The new lump in Ethel will have to be watched for two years to make sure there is not change in the appearance of the lump.  For some reason I have really lumpy boobs.  Yay me!  I get to go in an have ultrasounds every six months.  So much to look forward to.  I am trying not to take this so lightly that when I feel a new lump I will just assume it is a fluid filled cyst and ignore it.  With my boobs it’s hard to tell.  They feel pretty lumpy already…kind of like a knee high filled with marbles and stuffed into a bra.  Paint a pretty picture don’t I?

Well that’s my story.  All lumps, not cancer…thank goodness.  I received a lovely letter from the Breast Center the other day.  It informed me that all of my test results were within normal range and that they didn’t need to see me again for six months.  That means that just about the time my boobs stop aching it will be time to go and do this all over again. While I am pleased with the results,  I have to say I’m still a little pissed about them not letting Boppy stay with me.  These were my boobs and I am the one paying for all of this.  Shouldn’t the decision of who was in the room be mine as well.  The way I see it they invited a guest (the intern) so why the hell couldn’t I. 

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