I am in Kansas City with my mother.  I originally thought this would give her a chance to visit a friend  who lives nearby and I would be alone in a hotel room.  You know, room service, videos, a good book all of the things that make life worth living.  It is not to be.  My mother informed me that she and I have not been experiencing “quality” time and she intends to stay with me for the entire trip.  Did I mention that we will be here until Friday?

On the way up we pretty much covered every topic you can think of.  From all of my sisters and me when we were small and all the cute, and the embarrassing things we said, to my sexual promiscuity and my dad’s drinking (back in the bad old days). We chatted about it all.  When we began talking about my grandmother’s and my parent’s sex lives…I grew a little quiet.  This goes against the deal.  You see I have a deal with my children, and they reciprocate.  I don’t have sex and they don’t have sex.  It works really well as long as everyone follows the deal.  I have tried to explain the deal to my mother, but I don’t know if it is that she can’t hear (she can’t you know), or that she won’t hear.  I just know that I know way, way too much about my parent’s gettin’ jiggy.

I know of at least one story that I have heard three times so far and we are 6 hours in.  I know of many, many other stories that I have heard a gazillion times before that I have once again been told.  I know that she hated my ex-husband and couldn’t believe I stayed with him as long as I did.  While I could not care less about my ex one way or the other, the staying with him might have stemmed from my parents telling me, “You made you’re bed, now go lie in it”.  Aside from the contradictions of lying “in” a made bed, I received a signal that told me they would not support a separation.  I know once I tried to come back home, two kids in tow, and Dad told me, “aww Sis, it’ll all work out.  Just go on home.”  Again, not exactly the story I have heard since the divorce.  They both seemed to love my current (and final) hubby.  Although I’m not exactly sure how the story would play out if that didn’t work.  In his case, mom (she’s the only one left to appease) would probably choose him and not me.  She denies it, but I have seen crossed fingers and am somewhat suspicious.

Day one…really?  Does anyone know why you can’t get your car serviced without a two week notice in December.  Shouldn’t people be spending money on presents?  I know I would rather but my car is sick.  I called last week, after booking hotel reservations from Sunday thru Thursday, and was told the best they could do was Friday.  They also said they had no loaners.  Great!!!  And instead of having mom spend some time with her friend, like I had hoped, I get one extra day of “quality time”.   Where is the quality in being reminded that I come from hill folk, and everyone she knows will die of canesir.  Everyone…and there is no other outcome with cancer…just death.  If I get cancer, and I mean any cancer…including precancer cells thinking they might become cancer, I will never tell my mother.  I would just as soon be mauled by a pack of angry beavers than give her the joy of getting to tell everyone about my canesir and how sick I am and how much I depend on her.  I just won’t.  My death will come from the common cold as far as my mother knows.  Lord, I hope I don’t develop a cough.  You know what that means!!

I tell myself that I won’t have her forever.  I tell myself that she is just as good as gold and would do anything to help anyone she could.  I tell myself that people all over the world would love to spend a week with their mothers.  This is what I tell myself, but how many of those whiners have actually done it?  I’m no saint.  I have already informed her that I will be drinking this week.  I might have fudged on the how much.  I figure what she doesn’t know won’t hurt her, and an extra drink won’t hurt me.  I mean after you have one on your breath what’s the diff?  My mother (being the former bloodhound of an alcoholic) can smell booze whether it exists or not so I figure it might as well exist.  Perhaps if I find a terrifically cheap perfume I can make her believe it is just the alcohol in the cologne.  I’m joking for all of you freaking out right now.  I will have a drink with dinner, and then  I will take pills!