How easy would it be to win the “Worst Cook in America” title?  I was recently watching this show on the Food Network, and it occurred to me that this would be really easy to win.  You see it’s all based on improvement.  You get your friends and family to say you can’t boil water.  You fudge a few recipes, and then ta da…you become a decent chef.  Who couldn’t do that?  You could always lie about how good you are to start with.  Then you add the benefit of professional chefs teaching you to the equation.  In the end it is all about you.  Now, if your competitors have the same idea you may be effed but I don’t figure anyone is as sneaky as I am.

I love the Food Network.  My love my stem from current association with Jenny Craig.  There is something aobut watching people make really delicious food when you are on a diet that is satisfying.  On the other hand, it can really make you hungry.  30 Minute Meals could be my downfall…all that butter, olive oil, and pasta.  I am allergic to exercise so I can’t eat the pounds of pasta Rachel Ray consumes.  My pasta has to be doled out in 1/8 cup portions. 

Paula Deen is my girl.  Mo’ buttah…mo’ bettah!  She also has the intense love affair with chocolate that I have.  I watched an episode of Paul Deen’s home cooking that was completely dedicated to the abuse of chocolate.  She put chocolate on everything…including one of the male guests in the audience.  She makes southern fried food and then completely ignores the one starch rule.  She makes corn fritters, with potato dumplings, and then adds a big ol’ carb laden ooey, gooey dessert to the mix.  God Bless that Woman!  She is large and loving life!  She makes me want to shuck the diet and embrace my inner Goddess (you know, the one with all of the curves who isn’t afraid to eat).

I can’t stand Alton Brown.  He has a speech pattern that makes me want to throw things at the television.  He sounds like Jeff Goldblum and isn’t half as attractive.  No, I am not implying that I think Jeff Godblum is attractive…I am stating that I think Alton Brown is not.  I don’t trust skinny cooks either.  Rachel Ray has curves, Paula Deen definitely has curves, Mario doesn’t have curves…Mario doesn’t indent.  If they look like they enjoy eating then I will watch their show.  If they look they don’t eat it…I ain’t watching it!

My favorite thing on the Food Network are the Challenges.  I like the pretty ones, not the barbecue or steak challenges.  The chocolate challenges, pastry challenges, sugar sculpture challenges, and all of the cakes…but especially extreme cake challenges are on my remote’s speed dial.  It is through the extreme cake challenges that I met and fell in love with Duff Goldman.  I feel that a man who can bake a cake, decorate it, and deliver it to my address is damn near a demi-God.  He’s chubby too.  Bonus!  My daughter prefers his assistant Jeff.  He is really thin.  He can decorate a mean cake, but he obviously doesn’t eat.  What is the point?

The Food Network makes me want to cook.  I watch them make these astounding and unheard of dishes, and I want to go into the kitchen and see what I can do.  The Food Network is responsible for my lack of fear in the kitchen.  It has helped me to create several of my family’s favorite dishes.  It has taught me to use ingredients my mother never had in her kitchen.  It has put several pounds on several of us.  On days like today when there is seven inches of snow on the ground and the kitchen is cool I want to go into the kitchen and make yeast dough, and cookies, and homemade soups, stews, or stoups.  I want to use lots of butter and lots of cream.  I want to add those winter pounds and then hibernate.  I don’t want to do dishes.  Perhaps they need to come up with a Clean House network….oh who in the hell would watch that?