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The Dentist
25th June 2010
I got a notice today that it is time for my semi-annual teeth cleaning from my dentist. I like my dentist. His daughter and my daughter were very good friends in high school which is why I chose him. He has an easy going nature, and a keen sense of humor. He also lets me have laughing gas at any time I choose. Good man. So the point I’m getting to is this: I don’t mind going to the dentist. I know some people have phobias about the dentist. Truth is, out of every hour appointment, I see the dentist maybe 2 minutes. I walk in, and the hygienist takes me back to the chair. She takes x-rays, and cleans my teeth. When everything is done the dentist walks in and looks at the x-rays and picks at my teeth. He proceeds to tell me that everything is fine and that’ll be $125. Did you hear and understand that my dear friends…2 minutes of work and $125!
Normally the dentist is the one doctor I can go to and be told that everything is fine. I count on him for that, but the last time he let me down. My teeth are good. I don’t get cavities, but what I do is grind my teeth in my sleep. All of my molars are crowns. The last time I went to the dentist he told me that two of my crowns had cracked. He said that they needed to be replaced, and suggested that it would be wise to go ahead and do root canals at the same time, since I was experiencing sensitivity. Have you priced crowns in the last year or two? The crown alone cost about $1000. Add to that the $300 for the root canals, and multiply by two and you are talking about a nice little sum of money. “There’s your house payment” I half jokingly said to him. “I should tell you that porcelain crowns are inferior to gold crowns. Gold crowns last longer and are better for chronic grinders.” Personally I don’t see how that can be true what with gold being such a soft metal, but a few years ago (15 or so), a dentist talked me into a gold crown with the same argument. “No one will see it. It is in the very back of your mouth. It won’t show and it will last a lot longer.” Well, it’s lasted alright…and it has shown up in every picture I’ve had made in the last 15 years. I have a big smile, and apparently you can see every tooth in my head. Every stinking picture that I have with me smiling my natural smile (unposed) has a glint of gold. I feel like a gangsta in those pictures. Yo, Yo…it’s Emmy D, O, double G up in the hizzouse. Which would be fine if I was into that kind of thing….but I’m not. I’m funny enough to think that teeth should be white. Actually the whiter the better. If (God forbid) I should ever have to have dentures, I would want those puppies so white you would need shades just to look at me! I’d be like that episode of friends where Ross gets his teeth whitened and they go to a party with a black light and all you can see are his teeth. That’s the smile I want. I just don’t want to mortgage my home to get it.
I’ve gone through braces, and rubber bands from back to front, retainers, and splints just to have straight teeth and non-aching jaws. I can’t control the grinding…I’m asleep…cut me some slack. I wear jaw splints at night (along with all the other splints and crap I have to put on before bed) which are supposed to prevent me from damaging my teeth. I have about a half inch of acrylic between my top and lower molars each night. I have gone through four sets of professionally made bite guards in the last 25 years. That averages out to 6.25 splints per year at a cost of about $300 each, or the cost of one root canal and crown. They have to be replaced because I eventually crack them from the pressure in my jaws as I clinch my teeth. So here’s the thing…if gold crowns last longer than porcelain, and porcelain apparently lasts longer than acrylic rather than trying to sell me on gold crowns, they should be making my splints out of gold. If they did that then I would only have to replace them every 20 years. Plus I could go out in public without looking like Mike Tyson.
So in a couple of weeks I’m going in for my cleaning, and when the hygienist is through and the dentist comes in and tells me that I still need to replace those crowns, I’m going to smile my golden, gleaming, blinding smile, and tell him no thanks. I’ll keep using Sensodyne, and praying for a miracle (maybe dental caulk), and hoping beyond hope that I can last until there is some light at the end of the tunnel. Maybe by the time I have the money there will be a third option available…or a fourth, if you count the dentures!
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