My non-vag. daughter was water boarded last night.  She wasn’t being held as a terrorist or anything along those lines.  She was swimming in the pool.  Not to minimize my role in this, while she was being assaulted, I laughed my ass off.  Please allow me to enlighten you…

Last night my oldest, his wife and The Precious came over.  It began with The Precious and me watering the plants out front.  That lead to The Precious shucking down to what nature gave him.  As we were coming  inside  I noticed that “Dave” had once again sprung a sprocket and was shooting water all over the place.  I made the comment that Boppy was not going to be happy.  Allow me to digress…Boppy hates pretty much everything pool.  He doesn’t enjoy it.  He doesn’t like paying for the chemicals.  He doesn’t like cleaning it.  He really hates repairing it.  However; because I can whine like an m’er f’er, he will (if he must) take care of “Dave” because Dave will keep the pool clean without paying or feeding him.  Today we had to go to the pool supply store and purchase a part for “Dave”.  The part was a little plastic connector for “Dave’s” hose, and it cost over $30.  Let me tell you, I got an ear full on the way home.  This man who will spend $40 a week on golf balls bitched for 15 minutes about the amount of mark up on this connector.  We finally made it home and he attached the part and soon thereafter he went golfing (insert gasps of shock here).  Okay…back to the story…so when I saw that “Dave” had sprung a sprocket again I knew this wasn’t going to be a great evening. 

Well, The Precious wanted to see what Dave was doing.  We went outside and sat on the glider and watched for “Dave” to surface so we could have a sighting.  Now you know it’s a pretty laid back life style when you get your kicks from watching the automatic pool cleaner break the surface, but that’s what we were doing when The Precious suggested that we take a closer look.  So I went to get my swimsuit on and we got in.  Within a few minutes we had navigated to the deep end to take a look.  Shortly his mama came out.  By this time we had “Dave” trapped and were playing with the loose hose.   The Precious was totally digging playing with the hose.  It is something to see a kid in a huge pool playing with the hose from a broken pool cleaner.  This was more fun than the pool had ever been, and the pool has been plenty fun!  Little did we know that far greater fun was minutes away because you see, when my non-vag. daughter got in the pool The Precious went to her…hose in hand…and accidentally sprayed her a little.  Well that was the funniest thing ever so he started doing it on purpose.  I’m going to try and describe this without missing anything.  He turned the hose on her on purpose.  Caught off guard she does the only thing she can think of to do…throw her head back to get out of his way.  Well this caused the water to go straight up her nose.  Now she has The Precious in the deep end of the pool.  She is hanging onto the edge with one hand and the baby with the other, meanwhile she is getting a full sinus irrigation and gulping gallons of water at the same time.  She can’t really make him stop because to do so could cause the kid to go under.  He definitely would if she let go of him, and he might if she let go of the edge.  I am doing my part.  I have a raft…maybe 2 feet away…and I am laughing my ass off…because I can see her face and she is utterly tortured!  He is laughing that hysterical deep belly laugh that totally tickled toddlers get, and she’s laughing a little too because it’s hard not to laugh when a baby is laughing that laugh.  She finally risks letting him go to put her hand up, and this causes some of the spray to fall back on him.  He’s done.  He drops the hose and quits laughing.  Not me.  I’m still laughing.  Writing this and thinking about the look on her face I’m still laughing.  Well, once she gets things under control she looks at The Precious and tells him, “…your Emmy is a very bad word.”  That’s enough to send me into further gales of laughter.  Before they had gone home, Boppy came in from golf and The Precious told him, “you’re not gonna be happy.”  He proceeded to drag him outside to look at “Dave.” That brings the story of the hose to my non vag. daughter’s attention once again.  Well she’s shooting for sympathy, which Boppy might have given her had I not erupted in laughter from the other room.  My son was never going to empathize because he has the same sick sense of humor that I do.  So while she’s telling the guys what a bitch I am  I told them my version of the story.  I told them the baby had water boarded his mother.  My son asked her, “was it torture?”  She said yes with a look on her face that had me rolling on the floor yet again.

Now…we had to have a brief explanation of why anyone would be in doubt (W.) as to whether or not this particular event would be considered anything other than torture, but I think…torture or not…I will do my level best to see to it that she never has the tail end of “Dave” while I’m holding a three year old in the deep end of the pool with one hand holding onto the side and no way of getting away from her, because let me tell you dear ones…she will drown my ass!

 

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